Providing Trauma-Informed Pastoral Care for Spiritual Bypassing
Written by Rev. Dr. Christie Love
What is Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual Bypassing is responding to a person with reactionary spiritual language that seeks to shut down a conversation or steer it in a different direction.
This behavior can be seen in face-to-face interactions, social media engagement, and group dynamics in response to headlines, prayer requests, someone expressing their anxiety or being open about a present struggle, and many other situations. It is often a way to sidestep what could be comments or conversations that might take too long, go too deep, engage in questions or uncomfortable topics, be divisive, or the respondent may feel unqualified or unsure how to respond to the issue. Whatever the reasoning, spiritual bypassing is a verbal sidestep to move the conversation away from what the person is saying/sharing with a “holy reminder” rather than personal care and connection in a vulnerable moment.
Common phrases that are used in spiritual bypassing are:
God is still on the Throne.
God will not give you more than you can handle.
God will turn this test into a testimony.
Don’t be afraid, God is with you.
It will all work out in God’s time.
Many times, the phrase is then followed by a subject change or if in a group dynamic, moving on to the next person to share. The goal is often to move past a potential confrontation, tense discussion, awkward moment, or unwelcome truth in a way that recenters a characteristic of God rather than the doubt, question, confusion, emotion, or hurt that was being shared.
Examples of Spiritual Bypassing
#1: A young person visits a discussion group and shares how they are struggling with anxiety about recent election results. A member of the group does not want the discussion to veer off into another discussion about politics so they respond by saying, “No matter who is in office, God is still on the throne.”
#2: A person is having lunch with a friend and they see a group of young kids walk by the restaurant’s window. The friend visibly gets emotional and lost in thought. When the person asks what is wrong, the friend opens up about how seeing kids that age reminds them of a child they lost as a baby. The person becomes uncomfortable and does not know how to handle the emotion of this topic and doesn’t want to make a scene in the restaurant, so they say, “I am glad your child is in a better place.”
#3: A man without stable shelter is holding up a sign that says, I am hungry on the side of a busy road. The light turns red and a car is forced to stop right in front of the man. The driver rolls down their window and says, “God loves you” and smiles before continuing to drive down the road when the light turns green.
Motivations of Spiritual Bypassing
These examples illustrate how spirituality can be used to sidestep deeper and more complex conversations. While the individual circumstances of spiritual bypassing vary greatly, often the three motivations identified below from these examples are at the core of the majority of spiritual bypassing behaviors.
Comfort
In the first scenario, the motivation for the spiritual bypassing was comfort. The group member would have been uncomfortable if the conversation had become centered around politics so they used a spiritual phrase to keep the conversation on a more comfortable topic.
Spiritual bypassing is often a way of maintaining a person’s level of comfort in individual conversations or within group dynamics. If they sense that the conversation could devolve into conflict, veer into a difficult/controversial topics, force them to take a side, or force them to face difficult truths that they do not want to discuss then spiritual bypassing might be used to change the topic in a sanctified way to keep from being perceived as rude.
* If you are a student of the Enneagram, comfort would most likely be the motivation for Twos, Fours, Sixes, and Sevens that engage in the spiritual bypassing behavior.
Control
In the second scene, control was the motivation for the behavior of bypassing the friend's grief at the memory of their child. They wanted to keep control of a situation in a public place where they could be judged for an emotional scene. Therefore, they side-stepped the memory and tried to control the tone of their lunch.
Using spiritual bypassing behavior can be an honorable way for a person to control their public perception and their personal relationships. Conversations or comments that could lead to embarrassment, unwanted disclosures, making a statement of fact or opinion that could be referenced later by others, or overt shows of emotions are often avoided by using respectable language to change the direction of a discussion.
* If you are a student of the Enneagram, control would most likely be the motivation for Threes, Fives, Eights, and Nines with an Eight Wing that engage in the spiritual bypassing behavior.
Christian Call
In the third example, the Christian call motivated the driver of the car to inject spirituality into the man’s difficult circumstances. This is often a compulsive aspect of performative faith that motivates someone to use faith language to acknowledge a need, without actually addressing or alleviating the need. Other examples of this behavior with strangers might include:
Smiling and saying “God Bless you” as you pass someone in the parking lot with a broken down car, without offering help.
Telling someone that you will pray for them with no other conversation or attempt at relationship or practical support.
Examples of this in the context of relationships might look or sound more like:
Quoting scripture at someone to correct or address a behavior or problem before changing the subject.
Using short statements that imply a spiritual standpoint before changing the topic. (God knows what you are doing behind closed doors, You can’t keep secrets from God, You don’t have to say it… God knows.)
This form of spiritual bypassing often feels insensitive to the recipient; however, to the person that is engaging in the behavior- they often see it as a form of practicing their faith and living out their witness into the world.
* If you are a student of the Enneagram, Christian call would most likely be the motivation for Ones and Nines with a One wing that engage in the spiritual bypassing behavior.
Each of these motivations sounds and feels differently when they lead to spiritual bypassing behaviors. However, there are impacts on the people who were the recipients of these behaviors almost always causes hurt, harm and in some situations lead to trauma.
The Harm of Spiritual Bypassing
Spiritual Harms
The greatest harms of every instance of spiritual bypassing, no matter the motivation is that it is a misrepresentation of the heart of God. Consistently throughout scripture we encounter a God that is drawn to the suffering not dismissive of them. When followers of Jesus use faith-filled language, concepts, and teachings to minimize the hurts and experiences of another person it is an affront to very nature of who God is. People who experience these types of behaviors by believers often struggle to see God as caring, compassionate, and personal because their experiences with those who claim to follow God have given a false perception of God’s character.
Physical/Mental Harms
Different words, motivations, and instances of spiritual bypassing can also be harmful because they can trigger earlier experiences that someone might have had in their life. For example, if someone grew up with dismissive parents who never took someone seriously might feel triggered by someone engaging in similar behaviro with them. It is crucial to remember that making spiritual statements without the context of relationship or continued conversation/explanation can be very harmful to someone. Triggers that connect to earlier negative experiences can lead to the use of maladaptive coping skills and impact the quality of the person’s mental health.
Relational Harms
Finally, spiritual bypassing behaviors can undermine interpersonal relationships. Occasional occurances of misused faith-based language and impact the level of trust, openness, and authenticity that someone may feel safe to display around someone who occassionally employs this tactic. Conversations can become guarded as individuals try to avoid topics or depths that may evoke a spiritual bypassing response. Chronic use of spiritual bypassing can result in relationship boundaries, distance, and even estrangement between individuals or groups of people. At it’s root, spiritual bypassing is often a self-focused reaction that does not always calculate the short or long-term costs that protecting their comfort, controlling their interactions, or projecting their faith can have on their relationships with others.
Trauma-Informed Pastoral Care for Spiritual Bypassing
For the Recpient of Spiritual Bypassing Behavior
Providing trauma-informed care for those who have experienced spiritual bypassing behavior often involves setting aside time to listen and be fully present while someone shares their expierence and process the reasons that it was harmful to them. Here are several keys to keep in mind during this interaction:
Use active listening and minimize your distractions. (Silence your phone and visit somewhere with less chances of interruptions.)
Do not try to justify or interpret the words or motivations of the person who harmed them. You are listening to their experience, not trying to translate it.
Avoid making statements, instead ask questions.
Be willing to aplogize for the harm that someone else inflicted on them.
Ask them how you can support them.
For the Person Engaging in Spiritual Bypassing Behavior
Since spiritual bypassing is often a form of self-protection/self-preservation or self-promotion those who practice it, seldom recgonize the harm that it does to others. Being willing to respectfully ask questions of the person when you witness the behavior can open a door to self-exploration and understanding. Some questions that may help start conversation are:
Tell me how ___ was making you feel when you said _____.
I noticed that in our group today when ____ said _____ you said _____, I am curious why that was your response to what they shared.
These questions allow you to try to understand the motivations behind the bypassing behavior. Having that understanding may allow you to engage in further conversations that address those specific issues/concerns.
It is also important that as you talking about their personal motivations, that you respectfully challenge them to try to understand how their comment may have felt to the person(s) that they were being dismissive of.
Trying to both understand and create awareness and empathy are important aspects of providing trauma-informed pastoral care to those who engage in spiritual bypassing behavior. It is important to keep these keys in mind when addressing this behavior with a person:
Do not ask these questions in front of a group but rather find a time to address the concern one-on-one so that you can focus on them.
Let them know that you are bringing this issue up out of concern for them because often that behavior indicates to you that someone may feel protective or threatened in some way and you want to know how to support them.
Help them to see how this behavior fits into a pattern of behaviors in other relationships in their life.
If possible, encourage them to think of a way to connect with the person that they were being dismissive of to check on the harm that they may have experienced and applogize.
Continue to provide check-ins and care conversations centered around any issues or causes that they may reveal as you process together.
In many cases, spiritual bypassing behavior is often a symptom of a deeper hurt, insecurity, weaponized teaching, or false expectation that may be forming someone’s actions. Helping them to connect these causes and alter their engagements with people as part of their healing process is a hard but important form of trauma-informed pastoral care as well.