Navigating Holiday Triggers
By Holly Madden
Photo Credit: Andrew Lee on Unsplash
This resources is twofold. It’s written to those navigating the experience of triggers that come with the holidays. It is also a resource of awareness for those leading in community spaces as a plea to go into holiday services and events with a trauma-informed lens and sensitivity.
Holidays can be a time of excitement, eagerness, and gathering. They can also be a time when triggers are everywhere and events and days become moments to survive.
Lets start by looking at understanding what trauma is. Trauma is an experience that occurs that causes a disruption to the nervous system because of threat to the physical body, the emotional being, or the mind. Trauma can be a singular event, it can be compounded experiences overtime, it can be words spoken in hate or anger, it can be intentional or accidental, it can be caused by humans or caused by events out of the control of human hands like a natural disaster. The same exact experience can be traumatic for one person and not another. That’s because the impact of trauma exists in the body and nervous system of the person who experienced it. What is the most important factor when it comes to someone’s trauma is whether those around them believe the person affected when they say the events they experienced caused a trauma response in their body.
Holidays can became overwhelming with triggers when there has been trauma experienced at the hand of family members, trauma experienced by religion whether it be toxic theology, harmful practices, or judgments and attitudes of family members or religious leaders. Holidays can double as anniversaries for traumatic experiences like rape or a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Holidays can be incredibly triggering for those grieving the death or loss of a loved one. They can also be triggering for someone in a period of waiting or longing that has formed grief in them, whether they be longing for a child, a reunion with a loved one, a partnership, etc. Triggers can be experienced as a visual image in the mind, a smell, a sound, a feeling, or an emotional feeling that arises sometimes without an identifiable stimuli. This is why holidays can cause spikes in mental health crisis’. They can trigger the loss or threat to felt safety which is a basic human need. Felt safety is also at the core of a regulated nervous system.
Dear friend who is struggling, your story is your very own. Your story is true and it deserves tenderness and validation. As you move into days, weekends, months, or seasons that are littered with triggers, you deserve to feel safe. Boundaries are foundational to our capacity to thrive. Our set boundaries also do not require us to care for those offended or angered by our boundaries we set. You may be surrounded by people who are well aware of your circumstances, and their refusal to choose sensitivity or justification for harmful behaviors is not yours to carry. If you hide, it should be a choice of empowerment to protect your energy, not a reaction to judgement. If you choose to not attend an event to protect yourself, GOOD FOR YOU. I you choose to go to an event with walls up and a heart prepared, GOOD FOR YOU. Either way, you deserve time for self care after to tend to your nervous system in the aftermath of whatever you experience. Even in stories of healing, healing takes times. Maybe you will find yourself around people who know nothing about what you’ve been through, and that is okay. Self-disclosure is a powerful tool towards healing and community, but stories are not owed, they are earned. Trust is so precious. Do not feel bad for protecting your heart and story. Your timing and the reasons for disclosing belong to YOU.
If your trauma around the holidays is rooted in religion, I am so sorry. Religious trauma runs deep. It is often linked to identity, relationships, world views, and politics. We exist in such an intricate, diverse world that is so full of creativity. How could beliefs be expected to fit in a singular system when nothing about our planet is so simple. You deserve to explore, to question, to get curious, just as much as you deserve to step away, take a break, or offer a chosen reason not to attend.
I hope that you find yourself in a moment where you are able to see the whimsy, the wonder, or the magic found in this season outside of whatever pieces have become harmful. Rewrite your story around these times. Create new traditions. Boycott a day to honor a season. Explore different traditions or ways of seeing these calendar times. You may be surprised at how your brain can hold both the joy and wonder of new seasons and the grief of traumatic ones. And please seek professional support to guide you, help you find balance again, to empower you, or to come alongside you on your journey.
To all who are leading during these times, your words matter. The way you show up to services or events matter. The first time you uncomfortably issue a trigger warning, or verbally share your pronouns, or divert from tradition to talk about social justice or a more inclusive differing perspective, matters. It may be uncomfortable to name suffering, but that does not mean suffering goes away. It’s our attention, our empathy, our concern that moves actions to alleviate the suffering. It can simply start to naming that holidays can be triggering or painful for some people, followed up by language to share your plans for holiday evens so those who may feel triggered can be empowered with preparedness. Focus less on what you should say and make more time to listen. If you notice patterns of distance in someone that fall around certain days or events, make an intentional moment to seek them out and check on them with raw compassion and tenderness.
Trauma-awareness is a lens that requires empathy. No single person has gone through the same event and experienced it the same way so we cannot rely on our own capacity for understanding to guide our sensitivity. It requires empathy. In preparation, look through lessons, sermons and speeches with an empathetic perspective. If someone has ever been brave enough to share an experience with you or a trigger like a specific hymn, hold that trust with respect. Seek out perspectives of others before preaching or leading. And in the moment, consider nonverbal cues from those around you. Never use public platforms to shame or generalize action. It’s not the position of the pulpit to usher in family healing when so many circumstances need safety, acceptance, and support that can only be found in separation.
In all you offer, show up with the intention of being present.
Reminders: You never know what someone is feeling or experiencing. Approach holidays with gentleness and grace.